The Colors of Life
by Roccesc
Summary: This is a collection of unconnected oneshots based on prompts, songs, quotes, scenes from the show or whatever comes into my mind. It will be mainly Emily-centered, but the rest of the team will be part of it.
1. Stay

**Hello everyone! This is my first English fanfiction and since English isn't my first language, I'm already sorry for any mistake I may have made. I did my best though and I think it's not that bad :D Any help or advice is very welcome.**

**This is a collection of unconnected oneshots, so pairings will change (their will be chapters without pairings as well) and there might even be chapters with slash. Also there might be some pretty dark chapter. The respective warning will be at the beginning of those chapters.**

**I can't promise regular updates, especially since it isn't long until my finals, but I'll update whenever I've got time.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of it's characters. I'm just playing with them for a little while, before giving them back (relatively) unharmed.**

**This first installment is an episode tag to the end of 7x24, after Hotch and Emily agree to talk in the morning. Beth doesn't exist in this one.**

**Okay, enough talking. Enjoy!**

* * *

Hotch didn't need to wait until the next morning to know, what had gotten Emily upset. He kept an eye on her over the course of the evening and at some point it just hit him. She was obviously enjoying the wedding like everyone else, dancing, joking around with the others and having one or two drinks. But he could see it in her eyes. See how she was distancing herself from her friends. And he knew she wanted to leave.

He couldn't risk waiting till morning. Because he knew she probably would have made up her mind by then and there was no way of making her stay once she did. But he also knew that she wouldn't be willing to talk about this right now, so he decided to show her. Show her, that she belonged here, with them. That this was her home. That the team needed her. That _he _needed her. He already lost her once. And even though he knew that whole time, that she was alive and well, it was the worst thing in his life since Haley had died. He couldn't lose her again. It felt like they had just got her back a few weeks ago and he wasn't willing to let her go again.

When the next song started to play, he went over to her, took her hand and led her onto the dancefloor. It was a slow song and after just a few moments Emily leaned her head against his chest, while they were gently swaying to the music. He had never been this close to her. Sure, they had shared short hugs before or supported each other, when one of them was hurt, but this was different. Actually holding her in his arms was something completely new, something that had only happened in his mind till now. But it felt perfectly right and he wished he would never have to let go of her again.

Although it had seemed to him, that Emily enjoyed their dance too, she slipped from his arms as soon as the song was over and left the dancefloor. Had he missed something in her body language? To him she seemed completely relaxed and content during their dance. Why would she lean against him like that, if she wasn't? And yet she was gone now. For a split second the thought of Cinderella crossed his mind. A girl fleeing, because she knew that she couldn't keep up the pretense. He quickly wiped this thought from his mind. Emily Prentiss was known for always keeping her mask of stony perfection in place. But that didn't mean she wasn't hurting behind this mask. He knew she was and he also knew that this was the reason why she wanted to leave.

Since Hotch couldn't see her in the backyard anymore, he stepped into the huge house. If she didn't want to be found, it would take him a small eternity to find her. He didn't want to call for her, knowing that she had her reasons to leave him on the dancefloor and probably wouldn't respond, so he just started wandering through the first floor of the building. It didn't take him long to hear the soft sobs coming from the library-like den in the back of the mansion. He knew she wouldn't want him to see her cry, but he couldn't bring himself to leave her there like this either, so he carefully pushed the slightly ajar door open. He found her sitting in an armchair, her knees pulled up to her chest and her arms hugging them even closer to her. It looked like she was trying to hold herself together, but judging by her tears she was still falling apart. He felt his heart break for her and wanted to just rush over and hug her so tight that her broken pieces would just stick back together. But he knew that wasn't how it worked, especially not with Emily Prentiss. She would push him away and distance herself even further, not wanting anyone to see her this weak. So instead of rushing over, he approached her slowly and squatted down in front of her.

"Emily?" he gently addressed her, when she still didn't seem to notice him. She glanced down at him and quickly wiped her tears away and he could see how she tried to get her perfect mask back in place. "Don't," he said and softly put his hand on her forearm.

"I'm fine." She tried to smile at him, trying to convince not only him but also herself. She stood up, straightened out her dress and went for the door, but Hotch was faster than her, stopping her before she reached it.

"Talk to me, Emily!" He could barely keep his voice from sounding like he was actually pleading her, but he knew his desperation to help her would only make it harder for her.

"We agreed to talk in the morning, remember?" she reminded him softly, although this conversation was only a few hours ago and still very fresh in his mind.

He chose to ignore, what she just said and instead asked: "Why did you run away from our dance?"

She barely hesitated, before answering him. "I didn't run. Our dance was over and I needed some alone time."

"Why are you leaving?" He didn't need to ask her _if _she was leaving, he already knew. She looked at him surprised.

"Why do you think -"

"Emily, I'm a profiler. You're not as hard to figure out as you'd like to think." He smiled at her for a moment before returning to his serious side and waiting for her to answer his question.

"I just can't take it anymore." Her voice was barely above a whisper and he could hear all the pain he'd seen in her eyes for the last couple of weeks.

"Can't take what?" he gently probed.

"Any of this!" Now her voice was much louder, her desperation more obvious than he'd ever seen it. But instead of asking more questions, he just waited for her to continue whenever she was ready. And after about two minutes of silence she finally spoke up again.

"I tried, Hotch! I didn't expect it to be so hard. Of course I knew it wouldn't be easy. I knew my friends would be hurt and it would be hard for all of them to just accept, that I'm back. But even after I fixed my relationship with the team, it was still hard for me to be back and I certainly didn't expect that. The seven months I spent in Paris changed me and I just don't feel at home here anymore. All those months I wanted nothing more than to come back. Come back to the team, come back to… But it's different now. The time spent alone made me think about all the people that are part of my life and made me see the relations I had with them in a different light. I love every single member of the team. You are my family! But I can't work with you anymore. It's too much. I can't take this…" Emily looked at him a moment longer before starting another attempt to leave the room.

Hotch didn't know if she had actually meant the whole team or if she had rather meant that she couldn't work with _him. _He had noticed slight changes in their relationship. Longer looks than before, some coincidental brushes of her hand against his, when she was handing him a file or a cup of coffee, more frequent smiles. Just small things and when he stepped forward he just hoped he didn't imagine all of this.

He gently grabbed her wrist, turned her around and finally pressed his lips against hers. They were even softer than he had dreamed it and for a second he could taste the strawberry on her lips from the cocktail she had been drinking earlier. But she didn't return his kiss and after a moment she pulled back.

"Aaron, don't." She sounded sad, disappointed, but he still liked the sound of his name on her lips.

"Emily," he started, trying to explain, but she didn't let him talk.

"I can't do this, I'm sorry." This wasn't quite what he'd expected to hear. He'd expect her to tell him that she didn't feel the same, but maybe he didn't misinterpret the signs she had been sending.

"Why not? I saw the looks and felt the small touches. Why can't you give us a chance?" he inquired, not completely able to conceal that he was hurt by her rejection.

"I'm your subordinate. You could lose your job. You know Strauss would love to have a reason to get rid of you. People would start talking; you wouldn't just lose your job, but your reputation as well. You…"

"Stop, Emily. I can take care of myself. A moment ago you wanted to leave, which would mean you wouldn't be my subordinate anymore technically. Those are just excuses and you know it. What is it, Emily?"

He fell silent, studying her face for a few moments. When she didn't respond to his question, he spoke up again.

"You're scared, aren't you? Why?" He could see her eyes fill up with tears again.

"Because I'm not made to get a happy ending," she whispered, her tears spilling over and running down her pale cheeks.

Before he could protest against her words, she continued: "Every time I'm close to being happy, no matter in what form this happiness comes to me, something terrible happens and destroys everything. Being with you would risk everything I have. If this doesn't work out I could lose the whole team, my family. I just can't…"

"You can't just keep running away from your happy end. You deserve to have it and it will be beautiful if you allow yourself to actually let it happen." His words were gentle and he carefully reached out his hand to caress her cheek, relieved when she didn't pull away.

"I've never really loved someone before. I'm scared…"

"It's been awhile for me too. We'll figure it out together, okay?" She just looked at him, not answering. But when he carefully leaned in and kissed her again, her kissing him back was every answer he needed for the moment.


	2. Into the light

**Hi! I'm back with my second installment! So, it took me a little longer to update than I was hoping, but as I did say I couldn't promise regular updates. I hope I'll get the next one up faster, though.**

**I've got a prompt from a friend (well, I don't know, if this actually counts as a prompt): "Into the light, that shines so bright." This instantly reminded me of episode 7x06, so this is kinda an episode tag to this one, though my one shot happens later. It's written from Emily's POV.**

**WARNING: This is a pretty dark chapter with character death! If you don't like things like that, then please don't read it!**

**I know, this is really short. Sorry about that! Hopefully the next one will be longer. I hope you like it anyway!**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

"JJ, I'm scared. What if…" My voice was nothing more than a broken whisper. I was barely able to speak anymore and started coughing again. I could feel the blood filling my mouth and spilling over my lips.

"Shhh, don't speak, Emily. It's gonna be alright. Help is on the way." She gently brushed a stray curl out of my face and I could see the fear that filled her eyes, just like it filled my voice just moments before.

"What if…it didn't…change?" I was coughing even more now, the pain shooting through my chest, expanding in waves.

"You're not gonna have to find that out now. You'll be fine. Just hold on a little longer." Tears were pooling in JJ's eyes now. I could see she barely believed her own words.

"Can't..." This single word seemed to increase the pain in my chest even more and I felt myself starting to faint. My view slowly began to black out and everything that wasn't filled with pain started to go numb.

"No, Emily! Come on, stay with me! Emily!"

I knew I couldn't respond to her anymore. Not in words. I couldn't even open my eyes. But I remembered her words. It were the same words Morgan had said to me. It felt like that was a lifetime ago. But I remembered and I responded the only way I knew to.

I squeezed her hand. Just a tiny little bit. Just to let her know, that I was still with her. I wasn't ready to let go. Last time I begged Morgan to let me go, but this time I would beg JJ not to if I only could. All I felt now was pain and overwhelming fear. I didn't want to face the cold and the darkness. Not again. What if it didn't change? I wanted so much to feel the light and warmth, but what if this just wasn't how it was supposed to end for me? What if cold and darkness was all that was waiting for me?

"Emily? Keep squeezing my hand! Come on! Stay with me, please!" JJ's words were only a distant whisper by now. Her tears dripping down on my face just a ghost of a touch. I felt my hands slipping out of hers. And then it was all gone. Her voice, her touch, her tears. Just gone.

And I was surrounded by darkness again. The pain was gone, replaced by the icy cold.

_No! NO! _I wanted to scream, but my lips didn't even part. I tried to shake the cold, run away from it. And when I turned around I could suddenly see it. A light, a tiny little light. Not more than the flame of a candle in the distance. But it became brighter. Bigger. I wanted to shield my eyes, expecting them to hurt from the brightness. But they didn't. The light was so bright and soft at the same time all I wanted was to be embraced by it. Be filled with its warmth and lightness. And float away.


	3. Hot tub

**Hey y'all! I'm back again and as I promised this one-shot is longer than the last one. And also much more light-hearted. I'm not quite satisfied with this one but I really tried to do my best. I hope you enjoy it!**

**This one is an episode tag to 4x04. At the beginning of the episode there was a dialog, where Emily tells Reid and Morgan that she can't go to get something to eat with them because she has a date. Morgan is really surprised and asks who her date is and she says it's with her hot tub. Morgan than says that sounds like a party and Emily tells him he's not invited. Okay, this is a crappy summary, but I thought the dialogue was fun so I wanted to write a one-shot based on it. This takes place after the end of the case.**

**Have fun!**

* * *

"Hey, Prentiss! Care to join me for a few drinks?"

They had just landed and most of the team members had already grabbed their bag and left the jet. The only ones left were Reid, who was stuffing the book he'd been reading during the flight into his bag, Prentiss and Morgan. The later one looked expectantly at Emily, hoping to find a drinking buddy in her.

"Sorry, Morgan. My hot tub date is still on. I need this now even more than before the case. Maybe next time." She smiled at him and turned to follow Reid, who had just left.

"Well, I don't mind drinking in the tub." Derek threw her a smug smile, before he let his eyes travel over her body suggestively.

"Good for you, but you're still not invited," Emily shot back and turned around to leave, only catching a glimpse of Derek's disappointed pout. When Emily reached the door she looked back at him and winked and Derek could have sworn that her hips were swaying a bit more than usually. He watched her through the window of the plane for a moment longer and then headed out himself. He wouldn't let her put him off that easily.

When Emily entered her apartment she was almost humming in gleeful anticipation of her much longed for "hot tub date". Her muscles were aching from the long days and needed to relax as much as her mind.

She quickly put her go-bag into her bedroom before hurrying into the bathroom. She turned on the water and then went into her living room, where she kept a lot of small candles in a drawer. Taking as many of them as she could carry with her, she went back to the bathroom, lit them and scattered all over the room. After she got herself a glass of wine and put on some music, she stripped down and was just about to get into the tub, when the ringing of the doorbell filled her apartment.

An annoyed groan escaped Emily at the sound and she considered just ignoring it, since it was late and the case hadn't been easy. But when the doorbell rang again she realized, that whoever was disturbing her obviously wouldn't go away that easily. She quickly snatched her robe and put it on while making her way to the door.

Without bothering to look through the peephole she threw the door open and was about to say something really unfriendly to her late visitor, when she stopped dead in her tracks. She had expected to find a neighbor or maybe even a sales representative or Jehovah's Witnesses on the other side of the door, but most definitely not her best friend Derek Morgan. For a moment she just stared at him in surprise, not knowing whether she should be angry with him for showing up at her apartment like this or whether she should invite him in. After all she had winked at him and knowing Derek she should have known that he would come to her apartment. And to be completely honest with herself she had to admit that she did let her hips sway a little more than usual when she left, but that was her subconsciousness taking control over her body. Mostly.

She'd noticed that her relationship with Derek had shifted lately. There was more tension between them – the good kind of tension -, more seemingly casual touches and looks lingering longer than before. Still she wasn't really sure what she wanted and although she was really good at her job she wasn't sure what Derek wanted either. Did he just like flirting with her, similar to his flirting with Garcia? Was he hoping for a friendship with benefits? An adventure? Or did he actually want more? Well, him being here most likely ruled out, that he just liked their little flirting game.

After just looking at him for maybe a little too long, she settled on asking: "What are you doing here, Derek?"

"I…" He stopped, cleared his throat and tried again. "I was hoping for a drink and a relaxing bath…" His voice still sounded more raspy than usual and it was just now that she realized he had been staring at her too and her robe suddenly seemed awfully short to her. But at the same time she had never heard him sound so insecure before. "I brought gifts," he quickly added when she didn't answer right away and held a bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine out to her. But it was actually the really sweet smile he was giving her that made her subconsciousness take over once again and before she could think better of it, she just smiled back and invited him in.

"Thank you for the gifts," she said, smiling at him once more. She took the flowers from him to get a vase for them, this time purposely swaying her hips more than usual when she walked away. She knew it would drive him crazy.

_Why are you doing this?_ she asked herself when she reached the kitchen._ You don't even know what you want this to be, so why drive him crazy on purpose? He's your friend! You should really think this through before risking your friendship! _She hesitated for a moment before shaking her head slightly. _Great, just great! Now I'm even talking to myself!_

"Are you okay, Emily?" He had seen her shaking her head and was wondering what was going on in there. Emily hadn't noticed that he followed her into the kitchen and jumped in surprise.

"God, Derek! You scared me! Don't sneak up on me like this!" she exclaimed, one hand pressed to her chest right over her heavily beating heart.

"I scared big, bad Emily Prentiss? And I thought that was impossible…guess I should earn a medal for this," he joked, grinning at her widely though he knew she must have been really far away to be scared so easily. Emily just gave him a sarcastic look but he could see that she was barely able to hide a smile.

Only a second later Derek was serious again and stepped a little closer to her. "But maybe you just need someone to protect you, to show you there's nothing to be scared of," he said in a low voice, barely more than a whisper. He was standing really close to her now, invading her personal space. But she didn't back away, too captivated by the way he looked at her. Normally she would be furious at anyone for suggesting she needed protection, but this time it was different. This time it was Derek and right now she really wanted him to protect her from whatever might come her way.

Slowly Derek reached up to tug a strand of her black hair back behind her ear, softly brushing his hand against her cheek while doing this. Emily slightly leaned into his touch and closed her eyes when he came closer, gently pressing his lips against hers. She didn't even hesitate for a tiny moment before kissing him back but pulled back shortly after that.

"What is this going to be?" she asked whispering, still so close to him, that her lips almost touched his when she spoke.

"I don't know. I just know that only being your friend isn't enough for me anymore," he answered honestly. This wasn't quite the answer she had hoped for, but how could she blame him, if she didn't know what she wanted herself?

"How about," he paused to give her a quick peck, "if we figure this out," another peck, "together?" and another one. "Step. By. Step." He stressed each word by giving her another short kiss and she couldn't help but smile at him. "Just see where the road takes us?"

She looked in his eyes for a moment, not sure what to answer. But he was right, just being friend wasn't enough anymore. So what did she have to lose?

"I'd like that," she smiled before kissing him again, her hot tub long forgotten.


	4. Princess

**Hi! I finally got another one-shot written. I'm sorry it's quite short again, but I don't really have time to write much right now.**

**This is AU, because it's about Emily as a teenager. I hope you don't mind. Also, it's probably not really acurate, since I'm not from the US and don't know how this works over there. Here we get our high school diploma at the day of the prom and our parents attend the prom too...**

**I really hope you enjoy this, even though it's pretty different from the other ones. Next one will be back at the BAU, I promise! :)**

* * *

With a sad sigh Emily fastened clasp of her necklace and took a step back, so she could completely see herself in her huge mirror. She tried to smile at her reflection. She looked absolutely beautiful in her dark turquoise dress. Her hair was curled and put into a soft bun with a few strands framing her face. She did look perfect, like a princess and she had every reason to be happy today.

She had worn beautiful dresses in all different colors on countless occasions. Social events her mother had made her attend. But today would be about her and only about her, because today was her prom.

She had been looking forward to this day for a long time, but now it wouldn't be at all what she had dreamed of. Her mother didn't really care much about her graduation from high school. Actually, Emily didn't even know if her mother would come back in time. She wasn't even sure, where her mother was right now. But she could barely care less. Sadly, Emily was used to her mother not really caring about her, while at the same time expecting her to be perfect.

The thing, that was making her sad, was the fact, that her grandfather couldn't attend her prom. He would have been so proud of her! But he died a few months ago and now Emily was all alone. Her grandpa had been the one person in her small family that she genuinely loved. Her father had been out of the picture for the most part of her live, her mother didn't care and her grandmother was very much like her mother. But her grandpa had been different. He never expected her to be perfect, to him she already was perfect. His little princess.

She had played dress-up countless times, when she visited him. She would pretend to be a princess and he was her prince. She had outgrown playing princess years ago, but today she looked and felt like a real princess. Graduating from high school felt like a huge step for her, even though it was a given for her mother and all she wanted for today was to have her "prince" at her side.

She slowly reached for the pendant hanging around her neck and gently closed her fingers around it. Her grandfather had given it to her on her sixteenth birthday and she had worn it every day, since he died. She closed her eyes and conjured up his image in her mind. It made her smile for a moment, but then the tears that had gathered in her eyes spilled over and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't stop them from running down her face. Instead the harder she tried to stop them, the more tears were escaping her eyes. She tried to at least hold back the sobs that were wrecking her body and she felt like they were suffocating her, but she wasn't willing to let them out. She was so used to always keeping her emotions in check, to always compartmentalize, that she didn't even think she had it still in her to cry that hard. Even at the funeral of her grandfather she had managed to keep an almost perfect façade up, just a few tears had escaped her eyes. But now she had to grab onto her vanity to keep herself upright, barely able to remain standing. Today was different.

She missed her grandpa every single day, but today she didn't just miss him, she actually needed him. She needed someone to be proud of her when she was handed her high school diploma. Someone who was proud she was part of his family. She needed to be someone's princess. Just for today, one last time.

But that he wasn't here next to her, didn't mean she couldn't be his princess and make him proud. She forced herself to take a few deep breaths and calm down. She fixed her make-up, glad she had used waterproof mascara, and then she put a fake smile on her lips, which she hoped would become genuine at some point, and walked out of her room with her head held high. She would be perfect today. Not because her mother expected her to, not because this was an important day for her, but because she was going to make her grandfather proud, to be his perfect little princess.


	5. Thinking of you

**Hey everyone!**

**I know, it's been a long time since I last posted a chapter, but I had some personal stuff going on and also had a bit of a writer's block. I can't promise any regular updates, but I'll try to write as often as possible.**

**So this is actually a birthday present to a friend of mine. I just learned about her birthday a few hours ago, so this isn't perfect, but I wanted to do it anyway. I wasn't sure, if she'd be okay with it, if I say her name here, so I won't, but you know who you are ;) I really hope you like it!**

**I doesn't completely fit with the facts of the show, but I don't think you'll mind too much. Also I have to say this got darker than I intended it to be, so I hope it's not too bad.**

**Alright, enough said. I hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

A shrill sound cut through the silence, startling the brunette woman out of her thoughts. She quickly scanned her surroundings for any form of thread, her senses running high for a moment until she realized the sound had come from a couple of children nearby. She relaxed a little bit, but her heart was still pounding rapidly inside her chest.

With a sad smile she watched the children, as they chased each other through the leaves, laughing loudly as they toppled over each other. She had been sitting on this bench in the little park near her apartment for what felt like hours, completely immersed in her own rather depressing thoughts.

She hadn't been laughing like those children for months now, she hadn't even actually smiled. Her friends had always been the only ones able to make her smile and now she was in a foreign country, separated from her friends, without them even knowing she was still alive.

A shiver ran through her body at the thought of her faked death and she got up from the bench, trying to chase those thoughts away. Thinking about her almost-real death always made her blood run cold and just served to make everything worse and her days even darker. She slowly started walking in the direction of her apartment, hoping the still warm October sun would melt away at least some of the cold inside.

Today actually was supposed to be a good day, but instead it was the worst in a row of rather bad days. Today was her birthday and she was supposed to be celebrating with her friends.

As a child she had never liked her birthday, she would just spent it alone like pretty much any other day and her parents couldn't care less. So she had stopped caring about her birthday too, until those amazing people had entered her life and had made her birthdays actually worth celebrating. The BAU was her family and yet she was all alone. Because she screwed up, getting herself almost killed in the process.

Frustrated she kicked up the leaves and quickened her pace, because now she could feel tears fill her eyes and she was not going to break down in public.

She reached her apartment building just a few minutes later and the moment she closed the door behind her the first tears ran down her face. She quickly climbed the stairs to her apartment, trying to wipe away her tears, but they just became more and more.

When she had almost reached her apartment door though, she stopped dead. There was a small packet in front of her door. She carefully looked around, but she was all alone in the hallway, so she slowly moved towards the packet. The first thing that came to her mind was that Doyle might have found her. After all he had send her flowers before. But then again, if he'd found her, she'd probably be already dead. So she got a little closer, trying to read what was written on top of it.

_Jeannine Chastain_

_17, rue Banaudon_

_69005 LYON._

That was her address and the name she was currently living under, but of course there was no sender given anywhere. Her name and her address were handwritten though and something about this handwriting looked familiar.

For another moment she just stood there, staring at the packet, before she decided to just take the risk. So she carefully picked up the packet, open her door and carried it into her small living room. Her whole apartment was rather small, but she didn't really need more and right now it didn't really look lived in at all. She put the packet on her coffee table and then went to retrieve a knife from the kitchen. Taking in a deep breath she cautiously cut the packet open, revealing a book and a card.

She picked up the card first. There were only a few words written on it.

_Thought you might like something to read. – Happy Birthday!_

She still wasn't sure about the handwriting, so putting the card aside, she took out the book – a novel by Kurt Vonnegut.

There were only two people in her life who knew about her love for Kurt Vonnegut and only one of them knew she was still alive. Besides this handwriting was too neat to be Derek's, so this could only come from JJ.

So she wasn't all alone after all. This was proof, that even though she couldn't be with the people she loved, they still cared about her.

She just wished JJ would have written a little more. She was dying to know how they were all doing. But this was already more than she could have hoped for and she was endlessly grateful for this gift. This would help her through her dark days, knowing there was someone who still cared.

When she opened the book to lose herself in the familiar story, a picture fell out from between the pages. She picked it up and saw the smiling faces of all her friends looking up at her.

The tears were back immediately, spilling over and running down her cheeks, but now, for the first time in months, her face was also graced with a genuine smile.


	6. You actually died

**Hey there!**

**Yes, I'm updating way faster this time :D I'm not completely content with this chapter, but I re-wrote it several times and it won't get any better, so I just hope you like it anyway.**

**It's an episode tag to 7x06. Yeah, I know, again. And again it's from Emily's POV. Somehow that episode stuck with me. In this episode Emily told the team about how she coded in the ambulance after her encounter with Doyle and Reid asks "You actually died?" I just couldn't shake the look on Emily's face at that...**

**So I hope you enjoy and if you do I'd be thrilled if you left a review!**

* * *

_You actually died?_ These words had been stuck in my head the whole day and I was obviously completely unable to shake them.

_You actually died?_ They had haunted me the whole night, preventing me from sleeping for more than a few hours before I would wake up shaking and drenched in sweat.

_You actually died? _The words were echoing around my head when I entered the bullpen the next morning and no mattered how good my compartmentalization skills were, I just couldn't put them in a box and lock them away. And seeing Reid standing in the kitchenette and innocently pouring tons of sugar in his coffee made it even worse for me.

I chose to ignore him for now, not willing to deal with my pain just yet, and silently went to my desk and sat down.

A quick glance to Hotch's office told me that there wasn't a new case today so far, so I picked up the first file from the neat pile of case folders on my desk and started writing my reports. I didn't even acknowledge Reid, when he sat down at his own desk right next to mine.

After a moment of pretty awkward silence where I pretended to read the file Reid greeted me with a careful "Good morning, Emily!"

Not able to ignore him any longer, I looked up and gave him a rather cold "Morning, Reid."

I hadn't meant for it to actually sound that cold, but I couldn't help it. Right now, just looking at him was hurting me. He looked surprised at my icy response and I could see how insecure he was about how to react to that.

Obviously he finally settled with not reacting at all, because he looked down at his hands for a moment and then turned to his desk and started his own paperwork.

Somehow this hurt me even more. Now he didn't even care about how I felt anymore? I thought we were slowly getting back to being friends again… Had my "death" really put that much of a strain on our friendship?

I turned back to my file and tried to resume my work, but I couldn't really concentrate on what I was doing.

After about half an hour of trying to work I gave up and went to get myself a cup of coffee. Maybe that would help me focus.

When Reid cleared his throat behind me I jumped, almost spilling coffee over my hand.

"What do you want?" I asked, annoyance clearly evident in my voice. Just as I usually did, I had transformed my hurt into anger and I couldn't hold it back.

"Are you alright, Emily?" He sounded hesitant like he was almost afraid to ask and for a moment I hated myself for making him feel this way, but the pain I felt drowned out my self-hatred.

"I'm fine." I still wasn't able to make my voice sound less angry, so I just picked up my mug of coffee and turned to leave. Reid's next words made me stop dead, though.

"Did I say or do something wrong?" So he really had no idea what his words did to me.

"Wrong?" I couldn't help the bitter laugh that escaped my lips. "No, you just spoke your mind. That's what you do." He just looked at me for a moment, seemingly taken aback by my response.

"Emily, if I said anything to offend you, I am truly sorry, but I honestly have no idea what that could have been. If you..." I interrupted him before he could say anything more, my anger boiling over now.

"You have no idea!? _You actually died_! That's what you said and you sounded relieved! Yes, I died! You happy now?" I hadn't meant to yell at him and seeing him looking at me completely shocked made my anger just vanish into thin air and I broke down in tears.

I couldn't even remember the last time I cried in front of anyone. Emily Prentiss didn't cry in public. And yet here I was, crying in front of a colleague, unable to stop.

"God, Emily! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it like that!" Reid was next to me in seconds, but hesitated to touch me. Finally he settled on patting my shoulder slightly awkwardly. "I didn't even mean to say it at all. I was just so surprised by what you told us. Your faked death just made me feel so betrayed. Knowing how close you came to actually dying, somehow makes it feel less like such a huge lie. But in no way am I relieved you had to go through that. I wish you hadn't. No one should have to go through that. I just wish you would have seen the light like I did. I'm sorry!" I didn't reply, there was nothing I could say to that. I've never heard Reid say anything about his feelings, it just wasn't like him. Having him share them with me now, felt like a privilege.

So instead of saying anything I just got up and hugged him. He was tensed up for a moment, but then he relaxed and hugged me back.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you," I whispered into his neck.

"It's okay, I'm sorry for making you feel so bad," he whispered back and squeezed me a little tighter and in that moment I knew I had finally gotten my friend back.


	7. Colors on your Skin

**Hi!**

**I'm finally back with another oneshot! :) This one isn't really connected to any episode, but it takes place after Doyle and it refers to the episode where JJ talks about her sister commiting suicide. In my story JJ was a little older when that happened.**

**WARNING: Trigger warning! This is story might be a trigger for self-harm, so please do not read it if that affects you!**

**So, this is not a happy story, but I hope you like it anyway and enjoy reading!**

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JJ had been watching Emily all day and by now she was certain that something was wrong with her. It was their first day on a new case in Maryland but even though the case was pretty bad – as most of their cases were actually – she was rather sure there was something else bothering her friend. Lately, Emily had been even more distant than usually. Quieter and somehow darker. And today JJ had actually seen her wince slightly as if she was in pain. Twice. Paying even closer attention to the brunette agent, she had noticed the other woman favouring her left arm. Just a tiny little bit but it had been enough for JJ to notice, after all she was a profiler now herself. She had a suspicion as to _what_ might be wrong with Emily, she just didn't now the_ why_. So when night came around and they were heading to the hotel they were staying at, she decided to confront Emily once they were at their room. As usually they were sharing a room because after the budget cuts Strauss didn't allow for the members of the BAU to get single rooms anymore. Most of the time JJ and Emily were enjoying sharing a room. It gave them a chance to have long conversations about pretty much everything and just spend time together and forget about the case they were working for a while. They didn't have many other opportunities to do so, as they were travelling so much and JJ wanted to spend time with her family when they were home. But today Emily didn't seem too happy to be sharing a room with her best friend. She didn't talk to JJ on their way to the hotel and as soon as they entered the hotel room Emily disappeared into the bathroom. JJ decided to give her the time and space she obviously needed and just wait patiently for her to re-enter the room. It had been a long and stressful day, physically exhausting as much as emotionally. So she settled onto her bed with a file and waited.

After about half an hour JJ finally heard the bathroom door being unlocked. When Emily emerged from the other room, her friend looked up at her and contorted her face with concern. Emily looked even worse than when she went in there. Her face was unusually pale and her big, dark eyes seemed empty. Silently she went over to her bed and sank down onto the mattress. JJ put her file aside and sat up a little straighter.

"Emily, are you alright?" she asked, watching the profile of her friend closely.

"Yeah, sure. Why do you ask?" Emily tried to sound nonchalant, but JJ wasn't fooled that easily. In fact, she sounded more like she had a hard time speaking at all.

"Because I know you're not. You've been different lately. Withdrawn." JJ got up from her bed and walked over to Emily's. "What is wrong, Emily?" she inquired gently, settling onto the bed next to her friend. Emily immediately scooted over to get a little more distance between them, her body tensing up.

"Nothing. Everything's fine," the brunette replied stubbornly.

"You can talk to me. I just want to help." She carefully placed her hand on Emily's left forearm, hoping to get a reaction from her. And just like she expected, Emily hissed slightly in pain and drew her arm back, completely rigid now. But before she could escape JJ's touch completely, the blonde gingerly took hold of her wrist.

"You know, when I was younger I spent a lot of time with my older sister, Rosaline," JJ quietly started talking, not looking at Emily and not letting go of her wrist. "One day, when I went into her room, I found her sitting on the floor, drawing beautiful patterns onto her forearm with a marker. I sat next to her and watched her for a while, completely captivated by this gorgeous artwork. My sister had a great talent for drawing. She was covering almost her whole forearm with those flowery patterns and it was beautiful, but I had never seen anyone drawing onto their own body before and couldn't understand why. So after a few minutes of watching, I asked her why she was doing it. And Rose looked at me and said it helped against the pain. I knew my sister was troubled, but until then I hadn't known how much she was really hurting. That day was the first time she showed me the white and faded pink lines marring her skin, carefully worked into the pretty patterns. Scars from before she discovered the drawing. And she told me that drawing onto herself was the only thing that kept the urge to hurt herself at bay. She never talked about that again, but I would discover new patterns on her skin every few days. And I would sit for hours, tracing those patterns with my fingertips." While she was still holding on to Emily's wrist, her other hand had slowly started painting soft, invisible patterns on Emily's forearm, mirroring what she had been doing for her sister years ago. "And I would watch Rose slowly relax under the touch, her face becoming completely serene after a while." And just like Rose, Emily's posture loosened up ever so slightly. "The drawing and me tracing the patterns was the only solace she ever found and for a while that was enough…" JJ trailed off, before she finally looked up at Emily, right into her tear-filled eyes. "Emily, you have to stop. You can't keep hurting yourself, it won't help."

"I can't. It hurts too much," Emily whispered, sounding broken.

"I know. But I'm here for you and I want to help you. You just have to let me. You're not alone with this, just let me in." JJ could barely keep herself from pleading. But Emily had to make this decision herself. Forcing her into it wouldn't help anything.

"I don't know how." Emily's tears spilled over now, running down her pale cheeks.

"Just tell me, what is it that's hurting you so much?" she probed gently.

"I don't even know anymore. When I was in Europe, I felt so isolated and lonely. I had no one I could trust and no one I could talk to about what happened. I just had to pretend it didn't happen. And I couldn't really put it behind me. I thought coming back would make me alright again, but it didn't. There are days, weeks even, when I'm just fine. And I can almost forget the pain. And then there are days, when it hurts so badly that the pain is almost physical. And I can't breathe and I'm falling apart. And the only way to get control over the pain is by overlaying it with real physical pain. The whole Doyle disaster just left me kind of…broken. And I don't know how to fix that," Emily quietly conceded. She was looking down at JJ's hand, still tracing invisible patterns over her forearm.

"I promise you, we will find a way. We can fix that. You don't have to deal with it on your own. I'm here for you and I'll do everything to help you get through that. And if I can't do it, then we'll find someone who can. I know, you don't like therapists and if you don't want that, we'll find another way. But you do need help. So please, when you're hurting, talk to me, draw, just don't hurt yourself. You'll be fine, I promise. Just don't shut me out again, okay?"

Emily shakily nodded and JJ wrapped her up in a tight hug. The brunette immediately clung to her like she never wanted to let go again and JJ squeezed her just a little more, knowing that sometimes a tight embrace could help to patch someone back together.

When JJ saw a curved blue line at Emily's wrist, barely showing at the hem of her sweater, a few days later, she couldn't help but smile and gently squeeze Emily's hand. Her friend still had a long way to go, but the first step was made and she would make sure there was no going back.


	8. Beautifully flawed

**Hello everyone!**

**It's been ages since I last posted anything and I'm really sorry about that. I've been completely blocked for most of the last year and wasn't able to write anything and then life just got a little crazy.**  
**Anyway, here I am with a new one shot. It's set during season 7. I don't really know how kids behave at what age, so Jack might be a bit ooc, sorry about that. Other than that I just hope you enjoy the story and I'd be thrilled if you'd leave a review!**

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The moment she stepped out of the house she was hit by a wall of suffocating heat. Squinting against the harsh sunlight until she remembered she had pushed her sunglasses up onto the top of her head earlier, she contemplated whether this was actually worth it or if she should just go back into the pleasantly air-conditioned house. Before she was able to make up her mind she was distracted by a shrill voice calling out her name.

"EMILY! EMILY!" She immediately clutched her drink a little tighter when she saw the little boy running towards her, afraid he might barrel right into her and spill the drink over both of them. He came to a sliding stop in front of her, barely avoiding a collision.

"What's up, Jack?" She asked, smiling at the over-excited boy who was now bouncing on the balls of his feet.

"Will you please come play with me and Henry? PRETTY PLEASE?" Jack indicated with his thumb over his shoulder towards Henry and looked up at her with big, hopeful eyes.

Emily really loved the two boys, but she'd better make sure not to commit to anything too crazy in this heat. "Well, what do you guys want to play?"

"We wanna play ball in the pool!" He grinned at her widely. He loved "Uncle Rossi's" pool and Hotch usually was barely able to get him out of the water at the end of the day.

However, just thinking about going into the pool made Emily uncomfortable and she had to suppress the urge to pull down the shirt she was wearing on top of her bikini any further. "How about you ask Aunt JJ to play with you?"

"We already did and she's gonna play with us. But we want you to play with us too!" Jack pushed his lower lip forward a little, starting to pout when he realized that Emily wasn't willing to play.

"I'm sorry, buddy. I just really don't feel like going into the pool right now," she tried to explain.

"You haven't been in the pool at all today! You always used to play in the pool with us before you went away!"

"Jack..." Emily didn't even know what to tell him. He was right, she always used to play with them, but she just couldn't.

"Are you afraid of the water? Have you forgotten how to swim when you were away?" he asked, concern etched into his little face, "I'm a really good swimmer now. I can show you how to swim. And you can borrow my floaties if you want. I don't need them anymore. Dad just makes me wear them for safety, but I'm sure he'll understand you need them more than me."

Emily couldn't help but smile at the adorableness of the little boy. "That's really sweet of you, Jack! I appreciate the offer, but I'm afraid you'll have to play without me today. I'm really sorry!"

Jacks shoulders slumped a little, but he still tried to smile at her. "It's okay. I know the water can be really scary sometimes," he said before turning around and heading back to the pool. Saddened, Emily looked after him for a moment and then made her way over to the sun loungers. She really did want to play with the boys, but there was just no way she would get into that pool.

"He's right, you know?" Startled, Emily looked up, the bright sunlight preventing her from seeing more than her partner's silhouette.

"What?" she asked confused what Derek was referring to.

He settled onto the end of Emily's sun lounger right next to her feet, before he answered her, a gentle but inquiring look on his face. "You're usually one of the first in the pool, but you've been sitting out here all day. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's fine. I just don't feel like going into the pool today," Emily tried to explain, but she could hear herself how unconvincing that sounded.

"I see..." he answered, his eyes fixed on the pool and the two boys playing there with JJ. His answer surprised her. He wouldn't just be satisfied with that answer, would he? "And why is that?" he probed after a moment of silence. Of course he wouldn't, Emily thought.

"I'm just feeling a bit under the weather..." she vaguely answered. Why the hell couldn't she come up with something more convincing right now? And why didn't she think of an explanation beforehand? She should have known they'd notice that she didn't go into the pool.  
"Come on, Em. It's more than that. You don't have to tell me, just know that you can always talk to me. About everything." His voice was soft and gentle, showing her he'd always support her and be there for her no matter what.

"Of course I know that," she answered, before they sat in silence for a few minutes.

"It's just that..." Emily started, but broke off again, unsure what to say. Derek turned his head to look at her, but her eyes were focused on her fingers playing with each other. "My fight with...Doyle," she slowly continued, hesitating a moment before saying the name. "It left scars...I don't think Jack and Henry should see that. I don't want to scare them." Finally, she looked back up at Derek and she could see concern written all over his face. There was a moment of silence between them, both just looking at each other.

"You know, Emily, they've seen Hotch's scars several times and they aren't scared by it. Every one of us has scars and they don't mind. Why do you think that would be any different with you?" he tried to reassure her.

"Well, mine are a bit more nasty looking..." Emily dropped her gaze back to her hands, she just couldn't bear to look into Derek's concerned eyes any longer.

"This isn't about Jack or Henry, is it?" Derek inquired carefully, watching her closely for even the slightest reaction to his words. And then he could see it in her eyes. Pure, raw pain. But she didn't answer. "Emily?" He did his best not to let it show in his voice how alarmed he was. Emily didn't usually show emotion like this, always careful not to reveal too much of herself. Sometimes that even made her seem somewhat indifferent.

"I...I just..." She broke off, tears gathering in her eyes. Derek lightly put his hand on her leg, just a gentle gesture of comfort and encouragement. "I just don't feel like myself anymore...What Doyle did to me...it..it left me feeling...disfigured." Her voice was barely more than a whisper, she was struggling to say them at all but she kept pushing on. Now that she started, she wanted to say it all, she wanted Derek to understand. "When I look into a mirror..I'm disgusted. And I feel ugly. This isn't my body anymore. It just feels so wrong and I don't want anyone else to see me like this." The tears were streaming down her face now and Derek leaned forward and pulled her into a gentle but strong embrace. For a while he just silently held her like this, letting her cry and stroking her back soothingly. When she finally started to calm down, he spoke up, carefully letting go of her so he could look at her while he spoke.

"Emily, you are one of the strongest and most beautiful women I've ever known and nothing, absolutely nothing, could ever change that. What Doyle did to you was horrible, but it only made you stronger and even more beautiful. You came out on the other side, you survived. You fought and you won. Emily, you are gorgeous inside and out and nothing anyone does could ever change that. What you perceive as flaws is just a symbol of your victory and it shows what an incredible and truly impressive woman you are. You. Are. Beautiful. Don't you ever forget that!" Emily nodded slowly at his words, a slight smile playing on her lips.

"Thank you, Derek!" she said softly.

"You're welcome," Derek smiled back at her.

Once again they sat in silence for a few moments until Derek spoke up again: "You know, I'm not gonna push you to do anything you don't want to, but I bet the boys would be thrilled if their Aunt Emmy would come play with them in the pool..." He carefully grinned at her and extended his hand in an invitation to join the others. Emily hesitated for a moment, still thinking about his words. "Alright, let's go," she finally agreed, putting her hand into his with a grin of her own.

When they got to the pool, Emily quickly pulled of her shirt and slipped into the water, trying not to give herself a chance to overthink this again and at the same time giving the others as little of a chance to see her scars as possible. If Rossi had announced his plans to host a pool party a little earlier she would've had time to go buy a one-piece swimsuit. Instead she was wearing a bikini now, which did nothing to hide her scars. And neither did the water.

Hastily she snatched up the ball, which had landed next to her and threw it back to Jack to distract the attention from her. The small boy squealed in delight about the fact the his aunt had come to play with them after all.

They played ball together for a while which finally ended in a heated water battle with the two boys trying their best to dunk Emily and succeeding when Derek came up behind her and helped them.

"Traitor!" Emily laughed when she emerged again, splashing water at Derek and then brushing her wet hair out of her face.

However, the sudden touch of a small hand on her stomach made her flinch and jump back in fear. Her good, playful mood was gone immediately and she put her hand protectively over her stomach, hiding her scar from view. She just stared at Jack who had touched her, unable to suppress the panic that was showing in her eyes. But Jack didn't seem to notice Emily's fear.

"You didn't have that the last time," he said, pointing at her stomach.

"No. No, I didn't," Emily answered him, trying to sound as normal as possible and taking deep breaths to calm her racing heart. She didn't want to have this conversation with Jack. Especially not while being surrounded by all her friends.

"Did a bad man do this to you? Like one did to my dad? Did you fight with him?" Jack inquired with curiosity, his little head tilted slightly to one side.

"Yes, Jack. I fought with a very bad man," she sighed. It sounded so simple when he put it like that. Almost harmless.

"And did you win?" His big brown eyes, that were so much like his fathers, kept glancing back and forth between Emily's face and her hand that still covered most of the scar. His attention completely focused on Emily's answers, he didn't notice the tension that had settled over everyone. The others could feel Emily's discomfort at Jack's questions, but were unsure whether they should stop him or if it was better to just get this over with now.

"Yeah, I think I did," Emily answered, sounding lost in her own thoughts, but more confident than before. She looked over to Derek for a moment and sent him a tentative smile, silently thanking him.

"So does that mean you're a superhero too, like my daddy?" Jacks excitement lit up his whole face and he was almost bouncing on the balls of his feet now. Taken aback by the mere idea that Jack could possibly see her this way, Emily couldn't do anything but stare at him, completely speechless.

When Emily didn't answer and the boy was almost falling over now with delight and tension, Derek answered for her instead.

"Yes Jack, she definitely is."


End file.
